it’s been many months and many sundays yet this sunday feels just like the last: a quieter day and the urge to write something, anything. lately, my sundays are dedicated to what i call my ‘spiritual recenter.’ the rapid pace of change, after i graduated in may, led me towards the stability of a spiritual discipline. how i else was i going to manage???
this year has been long and unwieldy. it feels even more unwieldy as people try to pretend that this end of evangelion apocalyptic state that we live in is entirely normal. it’s a weird time, also, because being in my early 20s, in itself, feels very, very weird. i saw this tweet, ahead of lorde’s album release:
there’s something about the growing pains of becoming a 20-something year old that i can’t quite describe. i’ve chalked it up to the tangible feeling that life is both very long and very short and that you have to get up every day, again and again, ankò e ankò, and that’s just how it is. and with the acceptance of “just how it is” you’re opened up to your responsibility: now what are you going to do about it?
the spiritual process has shown me how endless the possibilities for what are you going to do about it are. how different mindsets create different pathways. and how much shame and fear can cloud your vision (and, honestly, destroy your life aka all life). it separates you from others, from this life, from love — from everything that makes this very long and very short life so worthwhile. i’m not saying anything new but when this lesson clicks, it really clicks! actually, the end of evangelion alludes to this too (this is not an anime-based-spiritual-lessons newsletter but maybe it should be?). living in delusion is not fun! just ask shinji.
✿✿✿
thinking about the end of eva and shinji’s final lessons reminded me of a recent bout of running my mouth on twitter:
a love for me has has no ego. because “me” is you, is the squirrel who stops by for lunch, the dancing trees, the people i may never meet. a love of “me” is simply a love of life. there is no separation.
out of all the spiritual lessons i’ve learned over the past month, humility has been the most influential. there’s so much peace in humility. i am no better than anything nor am i worse. comparing/contrasting/shaming separate me from life and that’s a delusion. and how can i center a love of life and a passion for others if i believe i am separate from that love and passion? if i believe that there is a hierarchy of superiority and inferiority? what joy can i overflow with when my perception is muddled like this? when i am caught in this cycle of thinking, i remember: life itself is simple. reality is simple. humans have complicated it but it is not complicated. if i am open to life, all else flows.
cycles of shame and self-inflicted suffering are/were my comfort zone. no doubt. it is especially an american comfort zone. it’s been grounding to remember that society is not structured rn out of a love of life / passion for others. and more literally: if i’m feeling xyz bad things about myself then trying to create connections with others while feeling separate and shameful, it’s like what joy do i overflow with? why would anyone want to be around that??? and that doesn’t mean i can’t have my valleys—that’s what friendship helps with: to support you in your valleys. but, again, not committing to yourself is the same as not committing to others aka life. out of a love for life i must act! out of a passion for others i must act!
it’s not neat pretty or quick (as Pat Parker writes of revolution). this too is a revolution, a complete rejection of society’s current regard for life.
✿✿✿
this year, i’ve walked a lot of paths i never would have imagined were possible. i tried a lot of things that absolutely scared me including trusting myself and having complete faith that the universe will support me down whatever paths i choose, no matter how many times i have to turn back and try again. this faith has brought me a new sense of peace. early 20s are a weird time but i’m loving the growth!
“Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.”
Nisargadatta Maharaj
✿✿✿
here are a few things i can’t stop listening to:
لحن الامراتي وبلادي (lahn lamfrati wabiladi)
this inochi na namae remix i heard on chill lofi hip-hop beats youtube :,)
and the tatami galaxy ending/opening, Kamisamano Iutoori (Version Z80), one of the best songs ever
avèk tout kè m [with all my heart]
sienna
p.s. last newsletter i said “attempting to write for this space every sunday. so, for now, let’s meet back here, every sunday” well, it may not be ‘every’ but let’s meet back some sunday in the spiral <3
p.p.s. next time let’s talk hunter x hunter!