i started writing this letter a few days ago:
returning to a more positive place;
staying for longeri found some notes from a few weeks ago while searching for something else (that seems to be the theme of this mercury retrograde) and saw this written at the very bottom of a list titled “to celebrate.” the list lives in a narrow hand-drawn margin on the right edge of a piece of printer paper. it’s separated from the tasks and goals that fill up the rest of the page and offers pause: in this moment, with a mountain of yet-to-dos staring back at me, what can i celebrate? this question, instantly, asks me to be kinder to myself; to return to a more positive place and stay for longer.
i never finished writing because something bigger dominated this mercury retrograde—the classic confusion around things i thought were clear. lately, retrograde ends up being a challenge of how to interact with past hurt & insecurities that resurface. feelings i felt i had bested (as if that’s how it works!) i’ll admit, last retrograde i just had to get through it. i still found past hurt too unsettling; past insecurities renewed. today, my first day off in a bit, i had time to sit with lingering feelings of discomfort that accrued throughout the week. so i went back. i spent the day listening to favorite podcast episodes and reading essays from over a year ago. there’s something kind about reconnecting to media that’s influenced who you’ve become. it helps ground where you are now. i’m alive, i’ve been alive.
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in the end, change happens whether or not i want it to. i can only learn to ebb and flow with life and let the chips fall where they may. there’s no use in worrying about whether or not i’ll be hurt again, in the same ways, for the same reasons. there’s no use in returning to the insecurities i had when i could not embrace myself with kindness. every day, ankò e ankò, i change, others change, life changes. hurt fades, new skin grows, today becomes yesterday, tomorrow becomes today.
isn’t that wonderful?
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avèk tout kè m [with all my heart]
sienna
p.s. attempting to write for this space every sunday. so, for now, let’s meet back here, every sunday <3